Trisha

By:

Wellness

Oct 26, 2020

How Chrissy Teigen’s Amazing Courage & Strength after Miscarriage has Changed Me

Photo Courtesy: Pete Johnson on Canva


I’ve always liked Chrissy Teigen but have never really been invested in her life; however, when she shared images from her heartbreaking miscarriage, something in me changed. You know when you’re moving along, feeling great, then BAM.. something happens, and you’re suddenly on your ass? The thing that knocked me down was Chrissy Teigen’s announcement that she and John had lost their son.

Dealing with Miscarriage

I guess that shouldn’t be surprising, because I, too, suffered a miscarriage several years ago. Sometimes I ache when I see a child that looks a little like my ex-husband or like me. But usually, I push through. At most, I stop and think about how old my daughter would be now. I wonder what my life would be like. And I feel a soft sadness. It’s not crippling; it’s just there.

But I’ve also removed myself from that picture, so I don’t feel the intense burden of loss anymore. From my perspective, now on the other side of the Atlantic, I believe I’m entirely okay not being a mother. Look how free I am, I think. Look how far I’ve come…. then, BAM!!  

Suddenly, I’m staring at my phone at 2am looking at the tiny black and white images Chrissy posted on Instagram. I have to sit up when I realize I’m starting to choke on my tears and snot. I’m sobbing like I did when I stood alone on the street after my doctor’s appointment. It was the appointment that changed my life. When the shitty doctor told me my daughter had no heartbeat. Suddenly, I’m sobbing just like I did that morning. When I needed to clutch the wall just to stand up.  When I was all alone, with no one holding my hand.

BAM!! Suddenly… I’m right back there.

Worrying for Chrissy… or Myself?

The next several days after Chrissy posted were strange. I kept checking in on her, worried for her. I wanted her to post anything, so I could see how she was doing after her miscarriage. But then I felt foolish. So instead, I wanted her to stay quiet, away from everyone’s eyes and comments. I felt relieved for her that she had John and tons of support. But it was still strange to suddenly be so invested in someone else’s pain.

It made me start to realize that since the night I saw her post, I had been a mess. Initially, I thought maybe my sob-fest had just been a moment. That happens.  Sometimes a good cathartic cry is our soul doing some spring cleaning. Ensuring all the little leftover bits of pain that have settled into the corners are swept away by waves of salt and tears.  

But my whole week had been shit. I missed my old life. I missed the ease in which I navigated life at home. So, I acted out like I always do when I lose myself a little. I ate poorly, didn’t sleep well, and lost my motivation. I felt absolutely miserable.

Then I realized that I had moved so far forward in my life that I had mistaken the feeling of being safely at a distance for the feeling of having a healed heart. Just because I had moved to a new country and started a new life didn’t mean I had left my baggage behind.  Even two years after moving to Spain, I still wasn’t done grieving the loss of my child and my marriage. 

And at that realization, I prayed to God to please find me in the darkness because I didn’t know if I had ever been okay.  

Pain Plus Reflection Equals Progress

That moment of prayer was humbling.  Sure I deal with depression on occasion, but I had been feeling all “rah-rah, you go, girl” lately. Then, seemingly out of the blue I fell to the floor and was stripped of all the work and therapy I had done over the years? I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know what this feeling was. Had I not worked through this already?  

Then last week, during Brendon Burchard’s Influencer Summit, I listened as Jay Shetty described his process of reflection. He explained that when he’s trying to push forward, he always goes back to Ray Dalio’s famous quote, pain plus reflection equals progress. It’s not enough to feel your pain or go through the experience; you have to sit and reflect on it. You must understand it thoroughly before you can move forward.  

And that was the moment I decided it was time to talk about my miscarriage. Before, I had only ever discussed my experience in private, with a few people. I would only take out the pain when I was in a safe place… when no one was looking and I wasn’t truly vulnerable. The bravery Chrissy has shown escaped me. I never held my experience up and examined it in such a profound way. The pain was always kept at a distance so it wouldn’t wholly penetrate my heart.  

All that has to change now.

Is This Progress Then?

I don’t know why Chrissy chose to share the pain of her miscarriage. I don’t know how a woman could be so strong and vulnerable in front of millions of people. But her courage has affected me in such a meaningful way. By sharing her experience, she has given me permission to share mine.  And through doing that, I’m able to look at my pain differently now.

You can either get behind your pain and learn from it or just keep feeling like shit over and over again. Let’s all choose to get behind the pain. Sit with it, be vulnerable in it, and then move forward. And once we’re done crying, let’s pinky-swear that we’ll be grateful for the process.  And then we’ll look forward to the amazingness that lies ahead of us.

There comes a moment when you have to pick yourself up and thank the universe for making you the person that you’ve become. Even with all my baggage, I love who I am becoming. And I would never have met her if it weren’t for all my experiences.  The good and the bad. Though crazy hard, that’s just how it works.  So, am I making progress?  

Yeah, I’m beginning to think so.  

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